Bad sign

How I know it's time to give up hope for any possible relationship/social life/interpersonal interaction:

1. A potentially flirtatious exchange involving the rescue of peanut M&Ms in the office vending machine led to no exchange of phone numbers... or first names.

2. My friendship with an ex has been pre-empted while he's busy juggling dates.

3. My summer crush still doesn't really know I exist.

4. At a recent Halloween party, I spent more time alone watching a movie where a man gets attacked by a vampire sheep fetus than I did talking to anyone.

5. Match.com is full of guys looking for girls younger than me.

6. Two volunteer organizations I contacted about helping haven't returned my calls/emails.

7. Confirmation emails from Amazon.com are the most exciting thing in my inbox.

8. I'm living vicariously through other people's Facebook posts.

9. I spent three nights of the past four doing things alone among crowds of people - drinking at a bar, attending a film festival, sorting books at a book swap.

10. I opted to call customer service at the gas company rather than email my question just so I would have someone to talk to.

Top three

Top three favorite Jenny Lewis songs

Dammit Pop-Tarts!

Pop-Tarts has turned my hardened heart to mush.

About 3 weeks ago I picked up a box of Pop-Tarts. My favorite flavor is frosted blueberry, which is actually kind of hard to find. I spotted a box and threw it in my basket. Not until a few days later when I actually opened the box, got out a package, opened that, and THEN took a bite did I realize that I accidentally picked up chocolate vanilla cream, a flavor I would NEVER buy. But dammit Pop-Tarts, I loved it.

The next time I went specifically looking for the chocolate vanilla cream flavor but I couldn't find it or frosted blueberry so I settled for frosted strawberry. And then tonight, as I was snacking on one, I noticed the most adorable packaging. Dammit Pop-Tarts, you are just too cute.

Smells like winter's coming...

It was a brisk night, the kind that warns that winter isn't too far off. As I was walking to my bus stop, I smelled the familiar cold-weather scent of a fire and thought how nice it must be to have a fireplace on a night like tonight. And then I saw that it wasn't the kind of romantic fire that two lovers might snuggle in a sheepskin in front of.

No, this was the type of fire that a crowd of hungry homeless guys with fingerless gloves would hover around. Yep, a garbage can fire.



It was just sitting on the corner of a very busy intersection flaming away like RuPaul at a beauty pageant. Fortunately, one of the traffic cops called for help. Kind of. He called a city street sanitation officer who drove up in his SUV to confirm that yes, there was a fire burning in a trash can. The two of them talked for a couple of minutes, probably just to get the other's confirmation that there was a fire. Finally, the street janitor (who are we kidding with the sanitation officer moniker?) then called the fire department. With that kind of efficiency, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about in case of real city emergency.

In fact, the city bus actually made it to my stop before the fire department so I wasn't able to witness what was surely some sort of ridiculous traffic congesting shitstorm to put out what one homeless guy's urine could have easily doused.

That actually worked??

You know how sometimes you hear about someone's dumb idea failing and you think to yourself (or say out loud), "No shit it failed. It was a stupid idea."

And then other times, you hear about someone's dumb idea actually making money or buzz or whatever and you say, "Holy shit. That actually worked?"

This website is one such idea, born from the minds of two advertising art directors, Christine and Justin.

They paint something that they want, then sell the painting for the amount it would cost to buy it. If they want a slice of pizza, they'll paint one and sell it for $3. Then they use the money to literally buy a slice of pizza. They have also used this idea to fund a trip to Vegas (including airfare, hotel, shows and gambling money) and buy an assortment of video games, haircuts, and nights out.



It's not all ridiculous though. They have another site using the same idea to raise money for charity.

And then... they have this: a site that literally sells a clear plastic container of authentic NYC garbage, sealed and signed by Justin himself. $50!



And here I am, the idiot who makes a living by going to an office everyday.

New digs

Well, it's official. I have a new apartment. Well, technically we have a new apartment since I'll be living with Pat. It was the 3rd apartment of 4 that we saw one night after work (and about the 12th one I had seen in a few days).

When we arrived, the girl at the door whispered that her roommates were watching a movie in the living room so we tiptoed around the apartment looking at stuff. It was weird to have all three tenants there while we poked around so I barely looked at anything. In fact, I didn't even step foot into what will be my bedroom, so I don't know anything about it. Still, Pat and I decided without hesitation that this would be our apartment. It has big bedrooms (from what I remember), laundry and extra storage in the basement, it's in a great neighborhood, and it's half a block to the bus and about 12 different bars.

Today we went to sign the lease and after work we celebrated by each buying an iPod shuffle. Ok, so maybe we weren't celebrating, but we did sign the lease and we did both buy an iPod shuffle.

My first piece of new apartment business was to set up our cable so we wouldn't miss a minute of Gossip Girl or It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I went to Comcast's website to check out their cable/internet packages. Because I work in an office where everyone can hear everyone's conversations (see previous post about inappropriate noises), I decided to place my order online and avoid having to talk on the phone.

So it turns out that this is the best idea Comcast has ever had. When you place your order online you are automatically connected via IM to a sales rep who takes your info and answers questions. And boy did I have a lot of questions. In fact, I was IM'ing my new Comcast friend for over an hour but it didn't seem like a nuisance at all. No annoying hold music and I could do two things at once (like IM Pat about whether we should get DVR and HBO - yes and no). Genius! IM also allowed me to challenge the price (something I would probably never do on the phone) and I ended up getting a better deal than the advertised special AND I saved $20 on the installation.

This wasn't my first great experience IMing a company. The other day I scheduled a rental truck to move all my stuff out of storage and the company - Penske - offered live chat with a customer service agent too. I got to ask a million questions and get answers in writing. It was all so simple and hassle-free.

I'm beginning to think all customer service should be handled via IM.

Or maybe I'm just giddy about getting a new apartment.

Guilty pleasure #6

Yeah, I like Britney - for her catchy tunes and her train wreck of a life. Everyone who knows me knows that. So it's probably no surprise that I can't stop listening to this song. Welcome back from insanity Brit Brit! Plus, she's back to her Toxic hotness, so I can't help but be a little jealous.

Britney Spears - Womanizer

Girl stuff

I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about how stupid girls are, but I am, in fact, a girl myself. As such, there are some things I do that feed the stereotype that I so often mock - I love to shop, I love blaring top 40 music on my car radio, and I love shoes.

I spent most of the past couple days moping about and convinced that I had become a sad and lonely cat lady 20 years too early. But this morning I decided to do something to lift my spirits. Something that involved all three of my girlish loves.

I went shopping for shoes.

Driving down the street with my windows cracked (it's a brisk 58 degrees today) and singing along to the new Britney single "Womanizer" was the first step in elevating my spirits. The next song was Pink's "So What" which I nearly shouted in an ectastic delirium.

"So what! I'm still a rock star! I've got my rock moves! And I don't neeeeeeed yoooouuuu! And guess what! I'm having more fun! And now that we’re done! I’m gonna shooooowwwww you tonight! I’m alright! I'm just fine!"

And then, I found not one or two, but three perfect pairs of shoes and two pairs of jeans that are so ass-flattering I might wear them everyday.

So guess what? I am a girl. And I'm feeling pretty damn good about things right now.

Inappropriate noises

I have a semi-office, meaning it's a glorified cubicle with tall walls and a door - though not quite tall enough to reach the ceiling, it still offers a false sense of privacy. I can't see anyone from my little beige kingdom. In fact, I've never seen the guy who sits next to me, but I know from overhearing his phone calls that he just moved into a new apartment, he talks to his mom at least twice a week, and he has rearranged his social calendar several times to accommodate last minute crises at work.

So while I can't see anyone, I can hear every little rustle, cough and phone call of the five people sitting around me. That means, presumably, that they can also hear me. That's not really a problem, because although I love to talk, I still don't know anyone here so I spend 97% of my day completely silent.

I've done two things in the last two days to break that silence in an embarrassing way. They both involve Jenny, so I'm blaming her and charging her with any therapy I might undergo as a result. Yesterday there was some sort of celebration that involved snacks and drinks, which naturally drew people out of their dreary offices into the common area. I wandered out of my office and got caught up in a discussion about moist meat panties. At the time it was very interesting but when I walked the 12 feet back into my office I realized that everyone sitting nearby had probably heard my analysis of the topic. And since I've said almost nothing since I've gotten here, they might very well think that is all I talk about.

The second thing happened today. After a crazy week I finally had some down time this afternoon, so I perused the blogosphere, as the kids do these days. I stumbled onto Jenny's blog and immediately remembered that it's quite funny. In fact, I actually started to laugh but then tried to stifle it (after all, I can't be the girl who talks about meat panties AND sits alone in her office laughing) so it came out like some sort of snort-ish/giggling/yawning noise.

All is not lost though. In case I resort to doing hard-core drugs to hide my social awkwardness, I just found out that a 30-day stint in rehab is covered by my health insurance.

Can't get it out of my head

I'm going through another phase where I can't stop listening to one artist. About a month ago it was Rilo Kiley. Now I'm back to Griffin House.

I'm on the hunt

I'm apartment hunting, a task I usually enjoy. Only my happy funtime has been complicated by the fact that I'm kind of caught in my current apartment until December. I really want to move out ASAP, even though I have absolutely no furniture - no couch, no bed, no TV - so moving out would mean sleeping on the floor and staring at the wall. I am beginning to think that's okay, given my experience in my current apartment.

I think I'm pretty easy. Here is all I'm looking for:
- Something I don't have to share
- Someplace free of bed bugs or other bugs/allergens that cause my body to bloat up like a balloon and itch to the point of not being able to sleep or do my work
- Something cheap enough that I can afford to buy some furniture and maybe even have money left over for cable
- Someplace where I won't get shot
- Did I mention no bugs?

This is a city with millions of people. Surely I can find some place to live...

A-ha! Now I get it...

What a delight this new version is, in a creepy high-pitched voice/ubiquitous 80s video kind of way. Thank you YouTube.

Saturday afternoon

I spent my afternoon watching "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."

A recap for anyone who hasn't seen (or read) it:
Blake Lively (from Gossip Girl) plays Bridget... soccer star/total hussy goes to soccer camp and pursues one of the coaches

Amber Tamblyn (from Joan of Arcadia) plays Tibby... aspiring filmmaker/total bore works a retail job and befriends a way more interesting 12-year old

America Ferrara (from Ugly Betty) plays Carmen... victim of divorce/total stereotype visits her dad to find he has moved on to family #2

Alexis Bledel (from Gilmore Girls) plays Lena... aspiring artist/total goody-goody visits family in Greece and falls for a forbidden boy

Despite the movie being only mediocre, I found myself sobbing at the end like a hormonal 8th grader. Damn you ABC Family.

Guilty pleasure #5

It's not new, but this song is perfect for getting the weekend started... and it reminds me of the crazy week that was New Year's at the beach.